I've been out of work for a couple of months. Seems like kind of a thing now. My wife doesn't want to believe it, but I'm starting to think we might be at a bit of a crossroads, at least in terms of the technical class. I still remember in the 90s when Visual Basic came out and empowered a whole generation of DIY techies, and there were talking heads that were like, hmm, I wonder if that will be a thing? I thought about it & went right into a career in databases because that felt like a pretty solid career path. As it turns out, I was right, but that doesn't mean that the last 30 years were not spent trying to figure out how to make tech workers completely replaceable. And now, for the first time ever, I am more likely to hear from an 'AI interviewer,' than I am a real person. At first, I didn't find that depressing, but now I definitely do. Getting ghosted by an AI recruiter feels infinitely worse than a human one. Humans are beset by internal contradictions, emotional dynamics, and constant interruptions in an imperfect workplace. AI has no such limitation; so the choice to not give any follow-up feedback can only mean one of two things: either the approval process is so blackbox that they don't know why they said no; or, and this is probably the case, they just don't see the value in sharing any information at all because they don't give a fuck about people in the specific. This to me is the problem with AI that no one is talking about: it gives unfettered power to people that were already unaccountable to anyone for anything. When I was studying for the Oregon insurance exam, they had a question about AI in the workplace: the 'correct' answer was, I kid you not, that we as administrators, don't need to worry about ethical considerations with AI, because the data scientists take care of that.

When I used to speak to a human recruiter, there was always a chance that we could make a connection as humans and that would be worth something. But those are not the people writing the algorithms, so that part is gone now.

Anyway, I don't wanna make this post about job searching because that's just totally demoralizing at this point. My response has been to stop marketing myself as a generalist, which is a bit unfortunate because I am a fantastic generalist. I have, on multiple occasions, built out entire business intelligence stacks using tools like Mode Analytics, SISENSE, and Power BI. I am a master SQL developer. I've spent years working with nodeJS. But, if the world wants a specialist, then she will have one. So: I've chosen the path of Power BI and data analytics. We'll see how that goes.

What I want to talk today about is depression. Because, as someone who has struggled with that for pretty much my entire life, it also feels like things are getting worse.

You could chalk this up to the death of compassion, which is an absolute mainstay of right wing talking points. Equating compassion with weakness has been at the front of public consciousness for at least a decade, at least in this country. That goes hand-in-hand with all the tomfoolery we're doing at the border, or this complete mess we've made of women's reproductive rights. It only works if you really ratchet down the compassion, so that you don't see a family trying to create a better life as they flee largely American-made problems in their home country, and instead you see 'illegals crossing the border'; and instead of seeing a woman trying to make informed decisions about her own health, you see an 'emotional basket case' who doesn't know what's good for her. All of this stems from a dearth of human compassion. That's what I see missing from the recruitment process as well.

It goes like this:

Oh my, look at the scale we're seeing, we can't go on like this. We'd have to hire more people. That's inconceivable.

I guess we'll have to turn to AI to create a subpar experience that at least gives us some weapon to fight against this enemy of scale.

[Cuts off long tail entirely]

Aah that's better.

Now why can't I find anything good anymore?

I used to think that good people will always find a way to make a difference. Of course, that's still true, but it is disingenuous to really say anything other than, right now the bad guys are doing pretty well. And I still don't really see the kind of recognition that we would need to meet the moment. We are in the midst of a chaos that we cannot even see very clearly.

Which is why I found a chuckle with this Onion article from 2023 that has been making the rounds again lately. Here's the headline:

Happy Person Must Either Be Stupid Or Evil

and then, to add another layer of meme:

But, really: if you're not at least a little bit depressed right now, you might not be human. We've got a billionaire man-child and an overgrown oompa-loompa settling their personal political scores with the might of the US government behind them; we have wreaked havoc among tens of thousands of federal employees for no other reason than to give cover for the DOGE wrecking balls. If you don't see the immense shit sandwich that is coming at at us, you are not paying attention. But the pain won't be felt everywhere. It's always the ones who have 'nothing to lose' who stand to lose the most.

And then I hate to say it, but what is the next step after dehumanization? After we completely eradicate human compassion, what do we start chopping at next? Personal liberty? Physical freedom? Economic sovereignty?

So if you are like me, finding it hard to get out of bed these days, I've got some words of encouragement for you. You are not alone.

The Two Steps to Recovery

I think a lot of us come to this place by different paths. Mine was abuse, there's been primarily emotional abuse in my past, and that has been something that I've struggled with. But these two steps might be useful for really anyone that has come to place where they feel hypersensitive. To me, understanding the process has been critical. Typically, I come to something I call a break. It amounts to a certain kind of catharsis, which is simply 'this cannot continue in this way.' Another way to put it is the simple realization that everything is broken. The mind inside the mind is screaming. So that's the first step.

Step 1: Mind the Break

I think that might mean something different to different people, but for me, it means obsession. the way I navigate a break is through obsession. So find one. It could be exercise, it could be art, it could be books, it could be a movie, it could be a TV show, it could be volunteer work. Anything that involves ad-hoc research is ideal. The way I see it, the break happens because the mind feels trapped, so the way you help is that you set it free again, if only temporarily. The heart and the mind both know that the obsession will eventually be forced to end, but it's a happy delusion that perhaps right now the freedom is real. And I don't think I've ever been stuck inside one of those loops for more than a week, at most.

Step 2: Get Back to Work

Eventually, the mind resets, and reconnects with the ability to see the world not as infinitely broken, but rather, sort of magically complex; ironically, sanity comes from abdicating your personal responsibility for the role that humanity has taken in the outcomes of the world, whereas success comes from leveraging your role in it. So in the end, the two exist on a spectrum together wherein they are mutually exclusive. Total success would mean a complete lack of sanity, and total sanity would suggest a complete lack of success.

The other thing that I should mention here is the concept of self kindness. This one is complicated because it works very differently for different people, at least in my experience. I should probably write a whole other piece about that, because it stems at least for me, from the idea of what inspires you: self kindness, and motivation, are intimately linked in a way that I don't quite have my finger on yet.

Right now it feels like a cold world, and the forecast is for a long winter. If you are happy about it, then you, my friend, are a loser.

That means only one thing: depression is for winners.

QED